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Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
July 27, 2011

am so unbelievably tired of these days that start out all kinds of awesome, but then one single conversation brings the whole damn thing crashing down around my ears.

hate being wholly misunderstood, and then feeling like i need to explain myself when nothing requires me to.

desperately want to drive to the mountains and take the kids for a long, exhausting walk. we all need the isolation and peace of being out in all the natural beauty.

would probably settle for flying down the highway, some Sonic happy hour drinks, and driving back home with happy kids – because that’s way cheaper than a hotel in the mountains with kids.

have come to learn that sleep is entirely over-rated…at least that’s the lesson that life seems to be trying to teach me lately. i’d like to kick life right in the throat for that particular lesson.

firmly believe that writing a letter you never intend to actually mail out is really very freeing. you’ve said all the things you wanted or needed to get off your chest, without the risk of your words being taken the wrong way or used against you later. drama free stress relief, for the flipping win.

cannot for the life of me understand why people seemingly go out of their own way to make their whole life more difficult. (i have no examples, just take my word for it.)

really need to retrain myself to sleep during normal sleeping hours so that i can be a better mother to my children.

despise being on the receiving end of someone’s fair-weather friendship nonsense. seriously…if you can’t lean on me when you’re having a hard time, don’t rub it in my face when your life is peaches. and on the flip side…if you can’t celebrate with me when you’re happy, don’t cry to me when you’re hitting rock bottom.

think the world would be a much better place if we would all bother to remember that as individuals we are all bound to be different. that’s not cause to argue or insult or harass. it means we need to learn, practice, and teach tolerance. we all clearly have to share this world…there’s no reason we shouldn’t make it as pleasant as we possibly can.

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some fluff, and then…meet my soapbox

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, kids, random by Cait — 3 Comments
July 25, 2011

We all have those special people in our lives that when they’re upset with us, it’s physically painful. I for one would sell my very soul to right the wrong and get back into the good graces of the select few people who have that tight of a hold on my heart. (For the record? My kids are usually not factored into that group. Not because they aren’t hugely important to me, but because by some otherworldly blessing they rarely get that kind of mad at me. And when they do it’s either hilarious or well-deserved and I’m proud of the fact that I got through to them and they learned whatever I was trying to impress upon them. Don’t judge me. I’m well aware of my status as a bad mom.)

Going outside to get my mail in totally summer heat appropriate clothes (jeans and a tank top) and having my neighbors look at me like some kind of trashy, street-walking hooker frustrates me. Especially when the people across the breezeway from me have all their windows and doors open while they’re having the kind of screaming-in-foreign-languages-while-obviously-throwing-objects-at-each-other fight that SHOULD warrant a call to the county police but won’t because of the ethnic diversity of the neighborhood. Funny thing, being in the minority. Makes me like a social pariah, and something to gawk at – even when things of far more “interest” are going on. And heaven forbid I go out with my kids, it’s like the pinnacle of attention-drawing goodness: young, white, mother of 2…alone! Oh holy hell!

Lately I’ve been really frustrated with the fact that I can’t contribute to my family in a “bigger” way than running our home and raising our children day in and day out. I know that my “job” is arguably one of the most difficult and important that I could be doing. It’s just hard to feel like I’m really doing things that matter when there’s no financial “reward” tied to it all. It feels like I’m “working” just to earn my keep and the things that I utilize and take full advantage of every single day. Never has The Husband held it against me that he works hard to earn every penny to support our family by himself. And it’s not like I’m going out of my way, trying to live an extravagant and costly lifestyle. But all the same…I desperately want to be a financial benefit to my family, instead of just living on The Husband’s efforts.

Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I need to take a few moments to get this thing off my chest. I’m a young mother. No secret about that. Anybody who knows me (or cares to ask) knows that I made some less that intelligent life choices in high school and was pregnant with my son when I walked at graduation. I was 19 when he was born (then 20 when my daughter was born), and forever changed my life. My childhood was over that day, and I walked away from nearly every opportunity I ever had to go party and just hang out being a “normal” young adult. Because that was how I was raised to believe it’s supposed to be: you have a child and they become your top priority. When they’re old enough to live their own lives without your help every step of the way, that’s when you get to think about living for yourself again. But lately, the growing trend – at least where I grew up and live now – seems to be these little girls (because they’re still children, really) keep having all these babies and talking a good game about wanting to be perceived as such good moms. And that’s awesome. I think everyone should have goals. But these same little girls that want to be seen as awesome mothers? They’re going out and living their lives for themselves – partying and clubbing and drinking with their friends (who don’t have kids) while their parents and families raise their babies for them. Now, I can understand the occasional night out to relax and let loose because you are still a young adult and wholly entitled to the chance to live that life. (Believe me…I have my own 2 children, and I’m raising them largely alone while The Husband is across the world. I know what it’s like to want the chance to relax and not have to think about feeding 2 other mouths or wiping 2 other butts!) But if your child spends more home time with your parents than with you, and you aren’t in school or working to provide for your child? Then as far as I’m concerned you do NOT number among the ranks of the good mothers. You give a bad name to the rest of us doing everything we possibly can to give our children the lives they deserve. These babies that we’ve consciously decided to bring into this world, and knowingly accepted the responsibility of caring for. They don’t deserve to be blamed for “ruining” their mother’s life – they may have changed everything forever, but they’ve ruined nothing. Not to mention that they didn’t choose to be born – we chose to bring them into this world. I cannot emphasize that enough. These very same girls out there partying and acting like children are complaining about the inconveniences of the very children that THEY CHOSE to carry to term and bring home with them! If you weren’t willing to give up your lifestyle to care for the child you created, there were other options available to you…other people who would give their right arm for the chance to be doing the very things you find so inconvenient.

I’m sorry – that’s one of those topics that really gets under my skin. So I’ll step off my soapbox before I say anything else I might regret later on.

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I Just Don’t Give A…

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
July 17, 2011

It smells like about a thousand Black & Milds outside the front of my building.

Mash-ups on the radio kinda make me want to go out and punch something.

Never in my life have I been the type of person to consciously think, “I want to go out and get fall-down-drunk with the intention of getting into a fist fight.” But tonight that seems like the perfect distraction from my hellish corner of life.

Last night I finished my pack of cigarettes and decided I’m not going to buy any more. Having not left the parking lot all day today, I’ve managed that quite well.

All day long, it’s felt like I’m just floating alone on my own little island of life. Nothing I’ve seen or heard has made me feel anything but echoing emptiness.

Which is absolutely terrible because my gorgeous babies ran and played and laughed all day long, and that should be the easiest source of joy imaginable.

My knee-jerk reaction is to blame my funk on having quit smoking. But having quit more than five other times in my life, I know that’s not the problem. I’m just out of sorts right now, and I need to take the time to figure out what’s wrong and fix it.

The concept of friendship has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Probably because an old “friend” of mine reached out to me out of the blue, and needed a considerable bit of help. Needless to say, her little family occupied my living room for 2 days and nights before I quite simply lost my mind and patience and asked The Husband to tell them whatever it took to get them to take their things and leave. It took them roughly 6 hours to move out, as compared to the 45 minutes to haul their lives and possessions into my home and seemingly take over.

Seems I only hear from the majority of people I used to call friend when they need my help with whatever their current personal or financial crisis happens to be…and only after they’ve “exhausted every other option imaginable.” I feel so valued.

Everyone has their personal demons and things they struggle with. Goodness knows I’m no exception to that concept. In fact tonight is one of those nights where I really need one of the few people worthy of the title “friend” to come hold my hand and keep me anchored to reality so I don’t a) float away into the dark space that is my mind, or b) take a flying leap off the cliff that seems to be the current edge of my shattered sanity. It’s a damned scary place tonight, my mind.

From what I can tell, there’s some kind of cultural ceremony/celebration going on somewhere nearby, involving multiple families from my apartment complex. Specifically from my building, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatever the deal is, they’re all partying it up late into the night. Just congregating out in the parking lot, completely ignoring the whole county noise ordinance thing that starts at 10pm. Last night they woke my kids three times between 8 and midnight. By some chance luck, tonight it seems they’re packing the party on the road, so all is quiet. At least for the time being.

Until about 2330, I was ready to jump off my balcony and rage, just to remind myself what it feels like to truly be alive.

Amazing how being constantly let down by people you thought you could count on forever can so quickly dissolve any sense of humanity you ever felt.

It’s also rather shocking how freeing it is to just tell yourself you really don’t give a flying fart. Key is to really believe it, though. Without that, you’ll just keep falling down the rabbit hole.

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that’s a wrap

Filed Under: about me, deployment, flow of consciousness, kids, random, the boy, the girl by Cait — Leave a comment
July 11, 2011

Leave is over. I’m back to that whole single parenting gig. The Husband is legitimately back to work “in a mountain” as our kids call it. Which all means that he was home and I never said a word about it…unless you’re on your A game and noticed my mention of having 3 other people in my house. We keep things on the DL here, obviously.

But really, I feel like life is back to “deployment normal” now. And that sounds absolutely terrible if you really think about it, I know. I can’t help it, though. With this early rotation, it makes the whole thing difficult.

Wow…not at all where I wanted to go with this whole thing. Jumping back onto the train of thought I was on when I started, how about we try for a run-down of the last 2 weeks – bullet style.

- international flights and metro pick-ups were coordinated and made and whatnot. as usual, there were the last minute freak-outs from baby man about “no want Daddy, wanna go get Grandmom” but that was quickly forgotten when Daddy tapped on his window when we got to the metro.
- obscene amounts of laundry were done. which is tragically sad when you consider that The Husband brought home a whopping 2 outfits, 4 pairs of chonies, and a uniform that he wore the whole way home (which, ew. I love you dearly, TH, but seriously…ew. don’t ever do that again, please.)
- somewhere in here was a whole week that seemed like we did a whole lot of nothing, but I know we went places and did things. mostly it was just hanging out with the kids and doing the whole parenting/family thing. it was needed.
- we acquired a loan (a personal first…shuddup, I’m still a baby by most people’s definitions) and bought a new-to-us car to replace the car The Husband bought from his best friend’s father. if you followed that, I applaud you. I struggle with it myself, but that could be the exhaustion functionality.
- the day following the purchase of our new car, we packed up the family and drove to visit a friend for the 4th. let me just tell you that you need more than 2.5 days to adjust to being a family of 4 again before you stick yourselves in a car together for several hours to drive SOUTH on a major holiday weekend. ‘nough said.
- drank ourselves relaxed upon arriving at our friend’s house. our combined 3 children ended up running around her upstairs playing and generally keeping each other awake until well after midnight. I’d feel terrible about it, except for the part where her kid was a huge instigator of a large part of it.
- we did the whole beach thing one day, an indoor bounce playground thing the next day, and came home before fireworks on the 4th because I was ready to sleep in my own bed and zip my kids into theirs and pee in my own toilet and not worry about the messes we made and a whole host of other things that seemed earth-shattering then, but I was just cranky because
- holy UTI, Batman.
- jugs of cran-apple cocktail juice and more AZO than the instructions recommend, and I’m good as new. who’da thunk florescent colors could come from the human body?!
- went to Freedom Fest on base, and had to talk the boy child into liking the fireworks because he had himself convinced he wanted to be scared. so he sat in my lap and literally clung to my neck while he cackled with delight.
- MIL threw together a cookout on the 5th, after she got home from work. The Husband’s oldest sister was in town for some other function (she lives in TX, so visits are few and far between), so the only one missing was my BIL. fireworks for the kids at the end of the driveway, but they saved all the flashy ones for the end so I had to walk away and go back inside.
- against my instructions, my kids were permitted to play with sparklers, and then The Husband brought the girl child inside to me asking for a bag of ice and some burn ointment, because she’d touched her thumb to her 4th sparkler and had a healthy blister already bubbling up. amazing how a mother’s judgment is proven right time and again.
- home shenanigans abound. but like all good things, leave too must come to an end…right when things are starting to really settle in and run smoothly. new routine worked out, and suddenly it’s time to change it again.
- took The Husband back to the metro to go catch his first in a series of flights to get back to combat.
- as much as we might’ve liked to, there was no way I could’ve handled parking at the airport and getting all 4 of us through security to have to say goodbye at the gate and then walk back to the car alone with my kids. so we said our (tearful) goodbyes, and we drove away before the tears had a chance to blur my vision completely.

That was Friday. And while it’s only been 2 days since all that, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Saturday was my birthday, and despite plans for drunken debauchery, it remained relatively low-key. A few of my friends got together and we went to dinner and to play putt-putt. There was a little bit of movie watching, and then I came back home to my empty house (God bless my in-laws for keeping my kids so I could have some “me-time” for the weekend).

Today didn’t really exist, except in the passage of time. I mostly sat around doing a whole lot of nothing before having to scramble to drive back up to my parents to retrieve my couch cover since my mother most graciously agreed to wash it in her “over-sized” washer. Then she demanded I let her feed me, and like the obedient child I never was growing up I complied. My dad discussed the new car with me for a bit, then my mom came back outside to stick a birthday check in my hand before I left. Dropped the couch cover at home, and went to pick up my babies. We finally left an hour after I got there, and I had to drive past home to get gas because there was no way we’d get out of the house before the heat of the day to fill up, and I don’t want to have to worry about having no gas when/if we try to go somewhere fun. Babes in bed after 1030, a phone call from The Husband, extended conversations with my sister (who is currently making me so proud it almost physically hurts), and thus is my life.

On that oh-so cheery note, I do believe it’s time to stop making your eyes bleed and call it a night.

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Since when

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
June 29, 2011

did this become my life? I’m supposed to be the cool, fun, got-it-all-together young mom.

does my poor baby man seem to come down with croup once a month? Should we be looking at possible asthma testing? (unrelated, in my head “asthma” sounds like “azzmarr” because I haven’t a clue why, it just does.)

have I disappeared into all my clothes fitting me funny? Yes, this is a valid concern/complaint – I can’t afford a new wardrobe and I prefer not to look like I’m wearing loaner clothes.

can people disregard county-wide ordinances and raise holy chaos right over my head and I shrug it off with a simple “I’m awake anyway, so why should it bother me?”

should we have to jump through hoops in order to coordinate with people to give them money to pay off their debt and transfer ownership of property they don’t even want anymore?

Maybe I’m exceedingly bitter tonight, what with my total inability to sleep while the other 3 people in my home are snoring away – no, I’m not the least bit wired, why do you ask. But really? When did the world get like this? When did my kids act out so horribly to deserve karmic retribution in the form of breathing difficulties and potential ear infections at least once every other month?

I’d just like to make it to my birthday without any more unscheduled catastrophes. Can we manage that, universe? Try anyway!

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Typical

Filed Under: about me, flow of consciousness, good days, kids, random, the girl by Cait — Leave a comment
June 28, 2011

All-time most epic parenting moment of my life: teaching the girl child what shart means, then listening to her walk around all morning saying “poop fart” in a sing-song voice and occasionally at top volume. This parenting gig? It’s pretty stellar after all.

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sometimes

Filed Under: flow of consciousness, random by Cait — 1 Comment
June 25, 2011

I just need to remind myself to step back and breathe. Can’t always be so in my own head that I forget how to just live and enjoy things around me. To feel whatever it is that I try so hard to power through or push away. This is my life – the only one I’m ever going to get. So I need to really live it. Actively.

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Hypocrites & Head Shrinking

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, deployment, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
June 13, 2011

It’s funny how people completely contradict themselves when they’re trying to tell you how wrong you are, don’t you think? One minute I’m a complete psycho, and the next they’re wholly supportive of whatever I need to do.

But on the flip side of that – I guess I really am wrong. I look at it like this…I’ve always thought that while people can be absolute pricks to each other, we all have enough good in us to overpower that. Reality check – people will cheap-shot each other all the day long. And then kick that poor fool when they’re down.

I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m doing anymore. Every day I wake up and it takes me a while to fully comprehend the reality of my life. The full weight of everything staring me in the face feels like enough to tip the scales against an elephant.

Don’t lecture me about how there are so many people who have it so very much worse than I do. I’m well aware. I live an easy life by most standards – I know that, too.

The realization hit me earlier today that I simply need to get my head shrunk, so I can start what will probably be a long and drawn-out process of exorcising all my personal demons. So’s I can quit ruining everything for everyone else. This weekend’s seemingly unending shenanigans have made that abundantly clear to me.

So…have to start the process of evaluating my mental health. For the first time in my life, not directly linked to a new baby. I am absolutely terrified by the concept.

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Protected: Dear Deployment

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, deployment, flow of consciousness, frustrated, mil-spouse by Cait — Enter your password to view comments.
June 2, 2011

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yesterday..

Filed Under: about me, deployment, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
June 1, 2011

My heart is so heavy I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever smile again. No logical reason, just that tightness in my chest and the intense feeling of being just on the verge of tears all the time.

I desperately miss having friends I could call at 3am just to chat, and they’d willingly wake up and just talk to me for a while. I long for the kind of connection with someone where we feel we literally need each other around – where we never get bored of each other, and fights instantly dissolve into hysterical laughter. I need someone to balance me out, because I know I’m not level at ANY point in my day or life.

I need a good cry over absolutely nothing, and a friend with strong shoulders for me to lean on. I need someone to hold me and literally rock me like a child…to shush me and soothe me to sleep, reassuring me all will be alright. I need an endorphin rush to kick out this low point in my mental cycle.

So many needs, and for once not a one is material. Funny how much harder it is to meet those needs that can’t be solved with a new dress or some sassy new shoes. Maybe I just really need to cry and be held tight.

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