Category: Momma


Playing Catch-up…Again

Filed Under: flow of consciousness, in-laws, kids, Momma, random, stupid lists by Cait — 3 Comments
May 7, 2010

~ And once again, we’re falling apart. I’m not convinced that’s anything surprising. Hopefully we can pull our situation back from the edge…get things turned around with a new location all our own.

~ None of you manage to stay in touch, so I can’t really update you since I don’t know what is or isn’t news to you. Perhaps you should stop thinking just of your own damn selves. Reach out every now and again; see what’s going on with lives that don’t directly link to your own.

~ The world is giving me the run-around, but that’s quite alright. I’ll take the exercise, and use it to my advantage – to help me reach my own goals. So please, keep making me jump through hoops and put my whole self into everything I do. You’re only helping me, and I don’t mind at all (mostly).

~ Soak up the time you get, because this could well be the last of the time you get. I mean, you can babysit for us, since you wanna move out of this area, too. Just know that the tables will be turned and you’ll be following our (read: MY) rules, or you’ll lose ou. I don’t have to care about your feelings anymore if we make this happen.

~ Will you buy my big boy a bed? Not sure if it’s gonna be necessary just yet. We’ll discuss that some other time – maybe the next time I turn yr basement into a laundromat or a gym…the gym thing will probably happen first, so we’ll say that. Also, I cannot begin to describe how much it means to me that you’re being so supportive of this whole thing.

~ Weight-loss is proving difficult. It’s a little discouraging to be struggling so much so early on, but I’ll get it figured out and get this show on the road. I have my own dreams and goals to achieve, still. I WILL make it happen.

~ Did you know that there’s a dirty skank out there that I, personally, have been dealing with? Yea, it’s a pretty gnarly tale, and it’s not done yet. I’ll catch back up on that soon, too. I just have to be careful because going back through it proves pretty damn difficult.

~ Sweet babies, I haven’t forgotten you. In fact, you’re the biggest reasons I don’t hang around here all the time anymore. You’re so busy all the time that it’s hard to find time to tell anybody how totally awesome you are if I don’t physically see them. Bubba Bear, my big boy. You’re talking to us! Not everything comes out totally clear, but you’re trying more words, and even a few phrases! Pickle Nickle, my tiny dizzy dancer. I need to record your newest little dance for you to watch when you’re older, because it’s fantastic! Between the sounds you make and the way you thrash around, you could cure depression with your cute.
I want both of you to stay little forever!!

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Hey Momma, I Really Need You Today

Filed Under: flow of consciousness, frustrated, Momma, random by Cait — 2 Comments
April 24, 2010

Things are absurdly out of control recently, and it’s getting to me. That never happens – I handle everything either one of two ways. Either I completely internalize it and no one’s the wiser, or I blow my lid and *everyone* knows I’m upset. This failed internalization is new to me – thinking I was hiding everything so well, only to find out I’m screwing up and people are starting to notice and see through the face I’ve been putting on.
I don’t even really know what’s got me so shaken. It’s just like I’ve lost my footing, but at the same time I’m having a hard time staying grounded. Obviously those are two totally contradictory concepts, and those comparisons (analogies?) make no sense, when paired together like that. But that’s where my head is at lately. Everything about my life lately, it seems, is all one big contradiction after another, and I can’t juggle it all.
It’s not even what I could classify as a manic episode. I’m not outrageously high, and yet I’m not horribly depressed. I’m somewhere in the middle, and I’m dead lost. I keep looking for a light, or a path…something to show me the way out. But this isn’t like normal, so there’s no darkness or blinding light for me to come out of. This…this is a whole different beast – one that I’m completely unfamiliar with.
We talk everyday, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I don’t just text or email you about it. But that doesn’t feel right to me in this case. Today, the words are slow to come, and all jumbled together. Today, I need to map out what my brain and my heart are battling each other to phrase. (Because we all know that my brain is capable of seeing logic, whereas my heart sees nothing, relying completely on feelings.) Today, I need to be able to say, without considering insights, or ideas, or opinions, or abstract comments about other things.
Remember I told you the things I’m giving serious consideration, and your concern was logistics and back-up plans? Yea, I’d barely admitted to myself that I was suer about even making it an option when I told you that. Somehow, telling you made it definite, in my world of unknowns and maybes. I need sureties in my life. I think that’s what’s breaking me down.
My heart, it’s so full of hope and barely contained joy over the possibilities, over the things I’m trying to make happen. But now there seems to be this lurking, looming cloud of uncertainty, and it’s knocking all of my fragile optimist ass over tea kettle. I’m losing hope…I’m losing sight of the very thing holding me together these days. All because after living in a world of uncertainties, I can’t handle not having the specifics for MY future – even just three months down the line. It’s ruining me, Momma. I need to find a way to glue the pieces back together, faster than they’re breaking apart. Hold my hand, Momma. You’re the only one I know I can trust not to leave my high and dry if if gets a little difficult. I need you, Momma. I really, really do.

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My Letter of Intent

Filed Under: cranky days, flow of consciousness, Momma, random by Cait — Leave a comment
April 7, 2010

Dear Body Fat,
Your days are decidedly numbered. It’s time for us to part ways, because you’re holding me back. Am I making myself perfectly clear? We’re through. That’s right, I’m breaking up with you.
You’ve been making my legs and tush all jiggly for the last 20 months, quite easily. To say that I’m not pleased with that fact is far more than an understatement.
Done, over, outie for good. Consider this your eviction notice, and take heed of my saying I’m taking my body back from your fatty control. No more nasty empty calories to feed you, no more sugary snacks, no more junk food, no more big portions. Bur most of all, I’m callin’ it quits with liquor.
I hope I make you miserable, Fat, because you’ve made me just as miserable. So this is the end of our story. DONE.
If you’d like to change yourself, that’s a perfectly acceptable option. So make your decision, and if you’re down for my new program, you make damn sure you report for work-outs, and you be 100% committed to the mission. We start tomorrow.

Unkindly yours,
Caitlin

Hey Momma -
This one’s for you…since I know you’re reading now, and all. Hopefully I’ll hold your interest and make you proud. The possibility of entertaining you is just icing on the cake.

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Yo, Mom!

Filed Under: flow of consciousness, frustrated, Momma, random by Cait — Leave a comment
February 7, 2010

Well, flock. It’s been way too long, and while we’ve spoken about things, I haven’t really gotten to “tell you officially” about everything that’s been going on lately. Not sure if I should really do a full run-down, though. And in some unfortunate twist of fate, I really think that right here, right now is NOT right for every single detail. So the abridged version, coming your way….

There’s been some seriously rough patches. Some things still haven’t been totally walked through, and others have yet to even be touched. It’s starting to grate on my already thin and very frazzled nerves. I almost sense some sort of crisis on the horizon. All is not well in sunny little Happy Familyville. In fact, it’s downright mayhem. Witnesses have described pandemonium and fighting reminiscent of a Battle Royale just around every corner. Let me see if I can break down a list of the major topics of the breaches of love/trust/boundaries of acceptable conduct.

~p0rnographic picture messages
~unacceptable typed/verbal conversations
~outright deception

I think that covers the broad-spectrum topics. All the hairy little details fall into those categories. For the purposes of keeping things completely honest and real – I am so NOT taking it all well. Mostly, I’m trying to act like my demands for things to change weren’t my idea…in theory, it works much, much better than the reality of the situation.

It’s all difficult. It’s all very difficult lately. So very much so, that there has been no other possible solace than to eat every last globule of peanut butter in the house. Now if you will kindly excuse me…I must find something else to snack on while I emotionally eat. You know, because I ate all the peanut butter already.

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Hey Momma

Filed Under: flow of consciousness, Momma, random by Cait — Leave a comment
January 5, 2010

We text regularly now, so writing to you kinda seems redundant. But seeing as I’ve never done things in the “typical” fashion, I don’t really see any reason to let that stand in the way of me being your daughter and doing things different. Especially since it just occurred to me that you said something to me, moons ago, about making a book of all our past emails, and we haven’t spoken of it in well over a year. If I’m confusing you, here it is, in all the straightforward glory I can give it. I WANT THAT BOOK OF EMAILS! I got a birthday this summer. Or Christmas works, too…I just want it ’cause I’m all kinds of twisted like that.
Did you ever have time to sit down, breathe, think about yourself, about me, and then connect the dots to realize that when I lived at home you and I couldn’t stand to be around each other, let alone speak to each other, but now it’s cause for worry if we haven’t texted by evening? While the specifics suck, I’m definitely glad that we talk/text as much as we do now. And to think, Dad didn’t believe the texting would make any difference in us communicating or staying in contact! I still think you shoulda bet him some serious coin on it. You could be rich now if you had! Although now that I think of it, that same money would end up right back in his hands in 3 days time, so it matters not.
There was another topic I wanted to mention here, but it seems that talking about people’s ridiculousness has forced it from my mind – temporarily, at least. Oh! I got it! I was gonna tell you about sitting up all night for no necessary reason, then feeling like the whole day has rushed on by no later than 9AM. Because that’s my day today. My day is also the small boy sorting his breakfast cereal, then the fruit snacks by color, and seeming to have something against the red gummies. It’s the glamorous life, here. Well, except for the subjects that you and I have already beaten to death and/or completely worn out. Granted, there are always new details, and we both know I could talk about it forever, but it’s probably just better if we let those things be. For now, anyway.
You have a birthday present for my small boy, and I just remembered that fact. I’ll have to get on top of bringing those type things over here for the kids.
But for now…I’m gonna hafta step back before I start typing with my face after falling asleep right directly on my laptop.

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Catching Things Up a Bit

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, in-laws, kids, Momma, random by Cait — 3 Comments
December 30, 2009

~The reality of things is just this simple: I’m not safe from myself, so none of you are totally safe from me, either.

~Sweet babies…Mommy may have to go away for a while, but that does NOT change the fact that I love you as big as the sky. You are my heart, and that will never change.

~You’ve burned me badly here in recent months. Whether or not I’m ready to, or have already forgiven you for any of it is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that I simply cannot trust you with my heart or feelings, and until you work on your own issues that cannon and will not change – even a tiny bit.

~All of you are blissfully unaware of the unspeakable tragedies going on in my personal life. I fully intend to keep it that way for as long as possible, because I can’t handle the hell that would come about if some/any of you were brought totally up to speed.

~I understand that you went through some similar struggles earlier this year with the other pair, but this situation is DRASTICALLY different, and your seeming refusal to get involved in any way is proving to be VERY hurtful, seeing as I’ve made myself vulnerable to you by asking/ begging for your help – even a little of it.

~Some of you are currently in the know; some of you are aware of unrest in the situation; some may be asked to step in later if I can’t handle it on my own; and still some will forever remain in the dark. No matter where you happen to fall on that spectrum, I have to thank you for always being there for me (at least within reason, I mean), and for always loving me. Those 2 simple things mean more than you realize.

~I don’t have any idea who you are, where you’re from, or any other detail about you – and I am TOTALLY fine with that…in fact, that’s probably for the best, because after all the damage you’ve done already it’s grounds for me maiming or disfiguring you at this stage of the game. But know this. If it continues – harmlessly, or otherwise – and I find out about it…you better hope we never meet, because I’ll kill your home-wrecking ass. It is black and white from here on out. Ball’s in your court, skank.

~If I’m not around, or I seem different than my usual self: It’s because my whole world is turned on its ear at the moment. Things I never thought would happen to me are now aspects of my daily life. I’m learning how to get through it, but it’s a slow, hard process. Please just be here for me – even silently – while I heal.

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Continued "Conversation" Two

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, Momma, random by Cait — Leave a comment
October 1, 2009

Dear Momma,
I’ve been meaning to do this again for a while now. It’s sort of cathartic, I guess is the best way I know how to explain it. Anyway, I’ve had all these random thoughts, just floating around in my head – things that don’t make sense, don’t add up. Stuff that just comes to me; when I’m sitting down eating, or chasing the kids, or driving somewhere. I’ll give you a little peek into my brain…I think a list is probably gonna work best. Here goes nothing, ‘kay?

-The boy in “Phenomenon” – you know, the John Travolta movie – kinda gives me a glimpse at what I think Boogaloo might look like when he gets older…if he keeps his chubby cheeks. But only the scene where George is trying to help him be OK with the reality that he’s gonna die.

-I’m not done having babies – I know that for a fact. And it’s a big deal in my relationship with The Husband. If he had his way, we’d both be scheduling our respective surgeries to make it physically impossible for that to happen.

-I’m starting to understand a fraction of what you went through before Daddy got his breathing machine. The thought smothering The Husband has seriously crossed my mind on more occasions than I’d like to admit.

-I cannot start and finish anything in one sitting, unless I do it in the middle of the night. The reality of this has created a bad situation for retaining my train of thought and being able to keep my topics flowing. Perfect example of it? I had a ton-load of random ideas floating around in my head when I started this…that was 3 days ago, though, and I seriously lost the majority of them.

I think I’m gonna hafta close out here, before I get too frustrated with the situation. I’ll get back on top of some of it in the middle of some other night, so I can work it out, from start to finish, all at once.

I love you, Momma, always and forever.
-The #1 Daughter

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Picking Up After Leaving Off

Filed Under: good days, Momma, random by Cait — Leave a comment
August 21, 2009

Dear Mom,
I feel like we don’t talk enough anymore, and that hurts…bad. After having lived with you for almost my entire life, and having occasion to talk at least once a day sets a pretty weighty precedence, and now it seems like I see you once a month – at best. We used to be best friends, back in the day, too. What happened to that?
Like I said, we used to be best friends. You don’t have to tell me how cliche that sounds. I’m very well aware of it. But we were. I could talk to you about anything and everything – it was always in a dark room, facing different directions, but we could say whatever whenever we had the chance. I miss that. I miss my mom who had to know what I was doing when, and where; who used to enforce my phone curfew (even though I’m no longer obliged to obey that directive, being married, and all that). You always told me I wasn’t ready to grow up, and I forever argued with you about that. Well guess what? I wasn’t totally aware of how right you always were. I went and got myself in WAY over my head with this whole thing. Every day that we don’t talk, I want that much more to reach out to tell you that I want and need you back in my day to day life, helping me figure out a lot of these situations.
Everything with [The Husband] is getting totally effed-up once again. Nothing I say or do is enough to get through his head. He doesn’t hear what I hear, and everything is always about him…he has to bust his hump to take care of his family (cuz I’m sitting home, eating bon bons while the invisible nanny – that I hired in secret – takes care of the kids for me, didn’t you know?); he has to take care of the kids the second he walks in the door, and gets no down time (even though he comes in and gets right on his computer straight away after work without saying word one to me, without acknowledging either of the kids, or even bothering to change out of his stinky work clothes, while I have a mild to moderate panic attack from being overstimulated all day); I expect him to do everything around the house, even after he works a long day at work (when in all reality, he comes in and proceeds to ignore everything while I continue to handle everything); he’s the only one who can acceptably navigate through bedtime, so he gets no break there either (when he typically surfs the internet while his mother or I change diapers and clothes and make bottles, then I put the kids down to bed). In short, unless things totally benefit [The Husband], and make him look better, he doesn’t do jack shit. It’s really rather irritating and it kinda makes me wanna dig his eyes out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. Just once, I’d absolutely LOVE for him to put the rest of us; his own nearly self-created family; before himself. One day…one day I’ll get mine.
I’m gonna continue to make my own way to keep “talking” to you more regularly. Completely disregard the fact that our “conversations” will really be “my” one-sided “conversations.” We will refuse to acknowledge me making a fool of myself constantly. Ignore that one of my worse regular personal traits is under a magnifying glass to make it that much more blatantly obvious, you know?

I love you, Momma, always have, always will.
~Caitlin

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