Category: husband letters


Maybe We Should Just Get a Dog

Filed Under: about me, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, kids by Cait — 2 Comments
March 30, 2011

Alternately titled: The American Dream, and My Heartache

I wrote this to The Husband in the “journal”* I’ve been keeping during this deployment, but felt like I needed to share it here, too. It’s close to my heart, obviously, and probably somewhat controversial. Be nice and choose your words wisely.

Been thinking a lot about babies, and families, and all the ways even one more child would change things. (Don’t ask why, there is no logic to it.) Y’know all those military deals and family specialty benefits? Yea, they’re designed for the military family of FOUR. Clearly the old world standards have gone by the wayside, and it’s “excessive” to have more children than parents to be with them one-on-one, all at once. That hurts my head at the same time as my heart.

While I can totally see the practicality in it all, a (big) part of me can’t help but wonder if society has any idea what in the world they’re talking about. All those policies and procedures and family-oriented programs are being developed by people who – in my imagination – have intentionally chosen not to have kids. To me, that seems like a conflict of interest. How can you truly understand the dynamics, needs, and desires of a “full” family if you don’t have (and especially if you don’t want) kids?!

Upon realizing this, my heart is broken. Completely and soul-shatteringly broken. As stupid as it seems, I know in my heart that I’m supposed to have more babies, but we just can’t manage it. If we want to be able to utilize all those military freebies we love so much – they’re only for FOUR people. If we want to be able to take our kids places and let them have the experiences they deserve to have – we have to be financially smart and logistically practical, too.

The two of us can’t afford to truck more than two kids around like that, especially if you’re the only one working for monetary compensation. Hell, we couldn’t even afford that kinda stuff if it was just us! And then on the physical and/or logistical side of it, trying to wrangle that many ankle-biters and coordinate transportation, lodging, and mobility when we’re actually on-location wherever…. It’s just a whole lot to tackle on our own. And that’s been our biggest dream forever – to be on our own and self-sufficient.

Maybe it’s time for me to get real. Need to open my eyes to the fact that we already have the “perfect family” and plenty of years ahead of us to enjoy it all. By age 25, you had a wife and 2 kids – one of each, even. You’re comfortable shutting down the baby-making. We’re plenty young enough to be able to raise our kids and then have our “second youth” when we send them off to college. The world is our oyster, as that one old cliche goes.

Maybe we should just get a dog and call it a draw.

 

* – I call it a journal, but really it’s one big, long letter to him, spread out over an obscene number of days.

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We Did It

Filed Under: husband letters by Cait — 1 Comment
January 4, 2011

We somehow managed to power through and come out on top of another year. That’s three years married.

*We’ll disregard the fact that I’m three (3) days late with this. That’s normal.*

It’s been another tough year. But I don’t rally think that’s any big surprise to either of us, or those who know us and the time-line of our relationship. The fights; the tears; the walking away.

Funny the things you can endure from a person when you bind your life to theirs. Nobody gets under my skin like you do; but at the same time, there is no one who loves me the way you do. (Nor does anyone let me put my icy fingers and toes all over them, in attempt to steal their body heat to warm myself up. For that, I am probably forever indebted to you, so thanks.)

From high school sweethearts (my high school days, obviously), to parenting team, to man and wife. That’s quite a journey, all by itself! Throw a military career into the mix; sprinkle it with a few work- and/or Army-mandated trips away from home, and a deployment under our belts, and there you have a pretty good idea of all we’ve done and been through together.

There’s a lot coming down the pipe this year. Some things, obviously, will suck way more than others. Right here, right now, I”m promising you that I’ll be your shoulder to lean on. I won’t turn my back on you when you need me. Promise me the same? Good deal.

Three years down, my love…a lifetime yet to come.

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The Quick Version

Filed Under: about me, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, in-laws, kids, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
February 25, 2010

~I’m in the process of preparing myself to get all my mental issues checked out, with the possibility of getting medicated.

~There’s definite danger of random strangers on the street or at the mall suffering the repercussions of my head exploding.

~Dear, dear banes of my existence…I’m working on getting us out from under your feet, on our own. Things around here are far too difficult for me to be able to deal with them for any great length of time. I need better organization, less disastrous mess. I wanna be able to wash my own clothes (when I wanna do it), scrub my own floors, cook on my own stove, use my little hot pink Dirt Devil to suck up my own dirt, put our clothes away in our own closets, and store my plates in my my own cabinets. I think it’s time to quit, and plan a whole separate post on this topic for a different day.

~We have errands to complete. Not to mention a letter to write to set things in motion. Also, we need to get “US” back on track. I’m tired of feeling like I’m losing you.

~I know we don’t come visit often enough. I’m trying to change that whole situation, things are just really complicated around here. I make no promises, obviously, but I fully intend to provide all parties with far more frequent visits. Especially with the possibility of us moving away looming on the horizon.

~Y’know what I’m currently trying to accomplish for you? The far more toddler-friendly living environment you both deserve. Some semblance of normalcy and typical family life – perhaps military family life, but a life all on our own as just the four of us. Why, you ask? Because it’ll be way better that way. (And? Mommy really needs her own effing space already!!)

~Because the situations necessitate that I may have a need for an animal free space and/or the occasional break, we’ll probably be seeing much more of each other. And, just for the record, I greatly appreciate you making your space our space.

~Blanket statement…I’m not totally stable lately, so please don’t take my reactions completely to heart as they are not at all a guarantee of the reality of my emotions. The first thing out of my mouth is not always the real answer.

And now that I’m not even making sense to myself, it’s time to say “Goodnight, Lucy” and call it a day. Or a night, as the case may be. Hopefully I’ll be able to re-find my train of thought. We’ll see about that later, though.

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Are We There Yet? Happy Anniversary

Filed Under: husband letters by Cait — Leave a comment
January 5, 2010

Dear The Husband,
Since you read here now, I figure it’s only fitting to acknowledge/mention/recognize our anniversary for you to see, too. Nevermind that I’m late in doing it. After being with me for 4+ years, and married to me for 2 full years now, you should realize that I tend to be late with everything…how else would we already have 2 kids?! Moving right along….
Our marriage has not been the easiest thing in the world, by any means. But I also know that we could have it a lot harder. I know I’m not the greatest wife you could have, and I must say that I thank God every day that you keep putting up with my crap. But it’s a two-way street, and I think we both know what that means, huh?
We’ve been through a whole lot together – the least of which being the 7,000 miles between us for the majority of our first married year. Gotta love the Army and their *wonderful* timing, y’know? Although, I must say, letting you come home for 2 weeks was nice. Gave us an opportunity for a familymoon, and proved great for growing our little family even more! I will say this, though. If we weather another deployment together and I come to pick you up with the kids in tow, you better not have bonded with the boys in such a way that they give me shit for “letting this fucker reproduce, twice even” because my reaction may end your military career.
While I’m sure I could continue on about the chaos that was our first year of wedded bliss…. Yea, I’m just gonna stop there and say that it was its own special level of hell, and could only have been made worse by you being home, expecting me to cook food you could really eat.
Having rounded out year 2 and moving steadily into year 3, I feel the need to say that it would seem we’ve accomplished something, staying together this long without separating and/or filing for divorce even once. Especially when you think that there were so many of the girls I went to school with in the same boat, and now they’re working out the final details of their divorces.
Nothing stands out more to me, than the day you looked me straight in the eye and said, “You’re different…I’ve never stayed truly interested for this long, and you’re just exciting and new every single day.” (Having spoken to some of your old flames, and knowing that to be rather accurate, I now look back and consider that a huge compliment. Especially from you and your refusal to put things in words for me to better understand you.)
I know things are difficult right now. And I’m pretty certain they’re gonna get a little bit more so before they can get better. But I’m looking forward to the challenge. I’m excited to see what we figure out to solve these big things. You and me against the world, forever.

I love you as big as the sky. Happy Anniversary, Chicken Nugget.

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Catching Things Up a Bit

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, in-laws, kids, Momma, random by Cait — 3 Comments
December 30, 2009

~The reality of things is just this simple: I’m not safe from myself, so none of you are totally safe from me, either.

~Sweet babies…Mommy may have to go away for a while, but that does NOT change the fact that I love you as big as the sky. You are my heart, and that will never change.

~You’ve burned me badly here in recent months. Whether or not I’m ready to, or have already forgiven you for any of it is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that I simply cannot trust you with my heart or feelings, and until you work on your own issues that cannon and will not change – even a tiny bit.

~All of you are blissfully unaware of the unspeakable tragedies going on in my personal life. I fully intend to keep it that way for as long as possible, because I can’t handle the hell that would come about if some/any of you were brought totally up to speed.

~I understand that you went through some similar struggles earlier this year with the other pair, but this situation is DRASTICALLY different, and your seeming refusal to get involved in any way is proving to be VERY hurtful, seeing as I’ve made myself vulnerable to you by asking/ begging for your help – even a little of it.

~Some of you are currently in the know; some of you are aware of unrest in the situation; some may be asked to step in later if I can’t handle it on my own; and still some will forever remain in the dark. No matter where you happen to fall on that spectrum, I have to thank you for always being there for me (at least within reason, I mean), and for always loving me. Those 2 simple things mean more than you realize.

~I don’t have any idea who you are, where you’re from, or any other detail about you – and I am TOTALLY fine with that…in fact, that’s probably for the best, because after all the damage you’ve done already it’s grounds for me maiming or disfiguring you at this stage of the game. But know this. If it continues – harmlessly, or otherwise – and I find out about it…you better hope we never meet, because I’ll kill your home-wrecking ass. It is black and white from here on out. Ball’s in your court, skank.

~If I’m not around, or I seem different than my usual self: It’s because my whole world is turned on its ear at the moment. Things I never thought would happen to me are now aspects of my daily life. I’m learning how to get through it, but it’s a slow, hard process. Please just be here for me – even silently – while I heal.

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Simple Truths

Filed Under: about me, flow of consciousness, good days, husband letters, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
November 5, 2009

-I think of you at great length, every single day of my life.

-From the day I made you quit your crap and trash it all, just to have the chance to hang out with me & you willingly did it, I have never questioned the strength of your feelings for me.

-To counter that, though, there HAVE been times that I’ve questioned the truth and/or sincerity of your feelings, and of your motives even more.

-You have been the driving force behind some of THE most wonderful things in my life.

-I’m praying a desperate prayer, from the toes of my soul, every single day, that you realize/accept/decide in the next 4 years that you want more kids, just like I already know that I do, with the very essence of my being.

-Speaking of kids, you have given me the 2 most beautiful children I could’ve ever dreamed of.

-No one I have ever knows before has been able to make me feel like the only person in the world that matters, while still reminding me that other people are just as important in the grand scheme of things.

-You’ve always loved me for me, never expected (or liked) me to paint my face and dress up when we go out, rather preferring I just wear what’s comfortable and real.

-You can always see through my lies, even if I swear up and down I’m telling the truth.

-Even though you sometimes push too hard, trying to get me to talk about what’s bothering me and I push you away, you’re always there to listen when I’m ready to talk, and will apologize for just about anything I’m upset about – even if it’s by no means your fault.

-Your real smile – the one that lights up your eyes and makes your skin sing a song of delight – is enough to get me through some of our darkest times, just because I know that when we come out on the other side and things get better, I’ll get to see that smile again and all will be right in the world.

-We’ve made it through some of the hardest things in life, together, as young as we are – things that’ve ruined relationships for older, “wiser” people – even when everybody told us it would all fall apart at our feet because we’re “too young to really know what love is all about.” No matter how hard things got for us, our love guided us through, and I don’t think anyone will ever totally understand. I think that being as young as we are gave us a huge advantage in that we haven’t had enough time to experience love not being enough, so we had no doubts that our love would be strong enough.

-You are absolutely the love of my life, and right now that is all that I need to know to get through my life.

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BUT…& That’s a Really Big But

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, random by Cait — Leave a comment
October 28, 2009

My head, heart, and soul…. That’s where you’ve staked your claim for ownership. Not that you would ever literally claim any kind of real owning, because that would just be stupid and you’re not that big of an idiot, even on your very worst day.
Who am I kidding? At different points, you’ve tried to tell me that I have nothing to call my own anymore because you’ve bought everything for me since we got married. Well, I hate to break it to you, but guess what? Remember everything we bought/did in Orlando? That money was mine. And then when we turned around and went to West Virginia the very next weekend after Orlando? That was my money again. So no matter what you wanna try and talk yourself into believing, I HAVE aid for a great many things in our seemingly brief time together.
So know this. While you are always in my head in some way; forever in my heart – being directly tied to my 2 (so far) children who are the very essence of who I am now; and eternally tied to my soul, because I think we have a love that should, can, and will last through things everyone else would swear should break us…keep this in your mind. You accepted me for who I was when you first me me, for who I am. I will ALWAYS be that girl. I absolutely WILL NOT sacrifice who I am, or change who I am for you, just because you say I should. Any change I make in myself will be completely my own decision.
If you decide that you’re not down with who I am, well then you can just suck it! This is me. This is who you asked to marry you 3 years ago on that cliff-top. I’ve done my time trying to please you, and now it’s time for you to give me the respect we both know I more than deserve from you after all the shit we’ve gone through together. It’s my turn to take the spotlight, and for you to step away and let me SHINE. Give me what I deserve and I will not be forced to start a fire set on burning you out of my place in the winner’s circle. I WILL have my time, and you WILL take your place behind me for the ENTIRE duration of it. Get your head wrapped around it, and get used to it. I’m on fire, and I won’t hesitate to burn my way through any and every single thing that stands in my way to the very center of the stage.
Drivers, start your engines. This is a high stakes game, and I’m playing keeps. Play hard, or go home, boys and girls.

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Short Notes, Random Ones

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, husband letters, in-laws, random, the boy, the girl by Cait — Leave a comment
October 17, 2009

Dear Brain,
What mysterious chemical imbalance are you afflicted with so chaotically? And why did you have to randomly be wired to crash me high and low, back and forth, again and again, all in the blink of an eye? Oh, the debilitating sensory aversions are just kicking me when I’m already down…have mercy! For the love of Pete, at least don’t manifest as a dire NEED to clean and wash while we live here. The floors here being coated by mold and/or kitty litter is making it physically IMPOSSIBLE to do a damn thing. I can’t scrub the basement floor on my knees with a toothbrush because I can’t walk on the basement floor without gagging. I can’t wash my own clothes because the laundry room floor is coated by a layer of kitty litter and the feel of it makes me want to drown kittens.

Dear MIL,
If you make a bottle for either of my children, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT just drop the formula scoop back into the can to then be covered by said formula because having to touch that powder to retrieve the scoop will trigger a HUGE sensory reaction, making me VERY angry for absolutely no reason…. Just because you don’t get the angry face of Caitlin doesn’t mean you can still just do what you want and get away with it all.

Dear Children,
Your constant screaming and neediness is going to drive mommy KRAYZEE if you don’t cut it out already. The clinging to my pody will not fly anymore. Mommy needs her personal space, regardless of what you want.

Irritating Cats,
You’re getting closer and closer to driving me to drink. I don’t know which of you figured out how to open the door to Pickle’s room, but for the simple fact that you let the fat black and white ass-hole cat in there when all he cares to do is sit on my daughter’s face…you deserve to feel pain. And as if that’s not enough. the constant yowling…it keeps me awake at night. Cut the crap or I cut you. ALL!

Dear Husband,
I had a complete mental breakdown, followed by a full-on panic attack, and you did NOTHING to help me come back from the edge. I love you dearly, but that’s unacceptable from you. I need a shoulder to lean on right now. I need a strong support system, headed up by you because you’re my husband. Step it up, please. I need you now, more than ever, love.

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Just Stop

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, husband letters by Cait — Leave a comment
September 4, 2009

You’re a TERRIBLE liar, and I’m not so stupid as to believe that. And, really, I never thought you’d be dumb enough to try it. Why did you bother with it, anyway? That much I think I deserve to hear about. Who am I kidding? You’ll never tell me anything…let alone the honest to goodness truth now. Not after everything you’ve already lied to me about at this point. Why do you even bother trying to lie to me now? I read it on your face, in your eyes, and through the tone of your voice as soon as you start it. You’ve broken me, and I can’t help but ask/wonder on the how and on the why. It’s important to me, so take it seriously.

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Stupid Phones

Filed Under: cranky days, husband letters, in-laws by Cait — Leave a comment
August 13, 2009

Dear Husband,
And really, anyone else who would be calling the house to talk to any of us, actually. The house phones are seemingly down. I can’t call out from here, with the house phone OR with my cell phone. (The cell phone thing is an entirely different scenario, and has more to do with the fact that Sprint can suck my left big toe for their unnecessary drama…it’s not OUR fault that they said the bill for July was already paid, thus leaving us free to save our money until the August bill was due, then deciding the last week of July to say “Oh, hey, we never got paid for your July usage, and now we’re going to suspend your service until you pay for 2MONTHS of service! Good luck coming up with over $600 to get your phones back on!! Yea, we’re switching to Verizon once Husband gets his first check from this job, I get it.) Where was I? Oh yea! So I can’t call you if anything goes horribly and terribly wrong with one of the kids. I can’t even call 911 because there is exactly NO dial tone when I try to pick up the phone. To the best of my knowledge, nobody has tried to call the house, but that assumption is only based on the fact that the phones have yet to ring today. I could be completely wrong, and people could’ve been trying to call all morning long, and just things are ridiculously screwed up and nothing will go through. Anyway, I just figured I’d let you know that we’re again stranded at home, but this time we can’t do anything at all about it because I can’t even use the phone to see if someone would be so kind as to come play with us. Anyway, we really are here, just can’t contact anybody, once again. I’m gonna go ahead and chalk this one up to your parents failing, once again, to do something they should’ve done, and now I’m paying the ultimate price for it. (Hey, thanks, a-holes!) Right, well we’ll be here whenever you get home, and hopefully something can be worked out so that we can fix all this crap before I completely lose my ever-loving sanity…not that I have very much of it left, so maybe we should expedite this whole process. (Hey AMSA 91, that would involve you deciding that paying Husband before the 27th of this month – at which point he will have been working for you for 4 business weeks – would be an excellent idea, and something worth going ahead and fixing!!) Have a nice day at work, and hopefully you don’t have anything too pressing to tell me, so it will all wait til you get home to tell me.

Love always,
~the Wife

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