Category: cranky days


This Place…

Filed Under: cranky days, deployment, flow of consciousness, random by Cait — Leave a comment
December 21, 2011

I’ve missed it. Forgotten how it feels to put my words out there and lighten my mental burden. Probably because there’s been nothing I can say. Plenty I’ve wanted to…but that doesn’t so much work out when it’s not only your business you would be putting out there for God and country and world wide web.

Life is complicated, with all the intricately interwoven story lines that twist people in, out, around, and through each others’ lives. Makes me think of that cheesy quote that I can’t quite remember right now. Funny how that goes, in a not-haha-funny way.

So many absurdly random things that have happened recently. Things that a person could not possibly have thought to have happen in any kind of relative time frame, because there is no connection at all…except that it’s all connected, because it’s my life. Like how the Ohio trip finally came together and magically got me back in contact with a friend of mine after not talking for like 6 months. Except that since I couldn’t visit her then or shortly after like we had been planning, we’re again not talking. Whatever. That’s just the way my life goes. I’m over it. But then I finally had the nerve to speak my mind about some things that were really starting to feel like sand in my eyes. People aren’t happy with me for what was said or done, but it was what needed to happen, so things are better now – at least for me.

And now it’s 4 days before Christmas, and half my family isn’t going to be around. I haven’t decided how I feel about that. On the one hand, there’s less to deal with and stress over because there will be fewer places I have to be and people to please in such a short amount of time; plus it means we get to drag out all the love and giving and such for even longer since it’s being held for other reasons and returns as well. But on the other hand, I feel like I’m missing out on things…that all isn’t as it should be, since my routine is thrown off with the lack of scheduling conflict and demands on my time. Plus I have to go deal with my pets-in-law while they’re human-less for the holidays. And my babes don’t have their Daddy home for the holidays. Or their birthdays. So that sucks. Thanks for that, military. Eventually, though, that just becomes the rule, instead of the exception. Which is incredibly sad, and I try not to think about it.

Oh lord, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of depressing shenanigans and wah-blah. I suppose brain dump is essentially complete for tonight. I feel…lighter isn’t the word I want, but it’s the closest I can find to put a word to it. Maybe at peace? Who knows these days?! Man, I need to get sleep! Off to that, then.

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I Call Shenanigans

Filed Under: cranky days, flow of consciousness, random by Cait — Leave a comment
October 29, 2011

Not even Halloween and we’ve already had snow. (The wet, fluffy kind that doesn’t stick to anything, but still..) I can already tell this winter is going to SUCKASUCKASUCK! Not even thrilled about it.

But that’s ok, because if the weather is really that bad, then me breaking the bank shopping won’t happen…what with my intense hatred of driving in weather shenanigans. Add in the fact that in the DC area the widely understood equation for traffic is “instant moron, just add water” and snow only makes it exponentially worse.

Throw some backseat tiny terrorists into my personal equation? I can see us camping out in the living room eating popcorn and sweet bread, watching whatever random anime we can find on Netflix for weeks on end between tense trips to Target or Costco or the commissary to STOCK the house. Because homie don’t play that.

I can’t wait for spring! Damn good thing there’s a liquor store within walking distance….

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Things…

Filed Under: cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
October 28, 2011

That Are Awesome
- naked baby afternoons of amazing at home
- introducing my kids to the awesome that is Fraggle Rock
- no longer having go agonize about my own Halloween costume because I’m a mom and people frown on silly indulgences like that where I live
- daydreams about your eventual for always home…I never realized I had such ambitious desires
- hand-written letters between friends. correspondence FEW!
- friends who help you come up with plans to keep your kids entertained while also staying safe (you rock, sugar!)
- lengthy conversations about absolutely nothing, just because you enjoy talking to and listening to someone else; no matter the topic
- just about any Moscato from the Asti region of Italy…at least in my opinion
- long walks on the beach as well as dancing in the rain

That Are Not Awesome
- arguments of any kind with the people you care about
- friends who can’t grasp my total hatred for their football team and ask me to put that filth on my tv when my team isn’t playing them
- being all but attacked in the commissary by an old lady bent on telling me what a terrible person I am for being “so you.g with so many babies”
- continuing to be cold long past blasting the heat inside
- having no memory of chunks of your day, in episodes that can only be described as blackouts (I know, I need more restful sleep)
- obnoxious neighbors who make demands that infringe on your rights to live freely in your own home
- making no progress on housework despite solidly resolving to so just that

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True Stuff

Filed Under: cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, kids, random, stupid lists, the boy by Cait — 1 Comment
October 25, 2011

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When I extend my generosity to you and you slap me in the face all watts but physically? Our so called “friendship” is not going to last all that long.

Females are not my usual choices for friend because, as a rule, they make things entirely too complicated and/or dramatic.

Sometimes you need to pay stoopid-expensive ticket prices to go to a movie by yourself, then pay more for snacks than the ticket cost – all to just get away, relax, and decompress.

Chicken nuggets, yogurt, goldfish, and “sweet bread” are SO qualifying dinner foods on a night mommy can’t manage cooking.

It is entirely necessary to take your friends up on offers of a night out on them when you can have the kids watched. The sanity it saves is worth an elephant’s weight in gold.

Phone calls from the Army are NOT, in fact, reason to walk out of the room where your children are playing to hear the person better. You will end up with permanent marker “pictures” on your WALL that could’ve been avoided by just letting the person get a little frustrated and have to talk a bit louder. I had to learn that one the hard way. See?

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Phrase(s) of the Day

Filed Under: cranky days, deployment, flow of consciousness, kids, random, stupid lists, the boy, the girl by Cait — Leave a comment
September 7, 2011

“Pickle Baby, you cannot fees the moth your froot loop. Especially not through the sliding glass door.”

“Boogie, if you pull those pants up one more time, you and I will be having a lesson on the concept of pantsing.” (For the record, the tag irritated his skin, and I had them sitting just-so with the tag not touching him. Plus they’re thisclose to being to short for him.)

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i…

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
July 27, 2011

am so unbelievably tired of these days that start out all kinds of awesome, but then one single conversation brings the whole damn thing crashing down around my ears.

hate being wholly misunderstood, and then feeling like i need to explain myself when nothing requires me to.

desperately want to drive to the mountains and take the kids for a long, exhausting walk. we all need the isolation and peace of being out in all the natural beauty.

would probably settle for flying down the highway, some Sonic happy hour drinks, and driving back home with happy kids – because that’s way cheaper than a hotel in the mountains with kids.

have come to learn that sleep is entirely over-rated…at least that’s the lesson that life seems to be trying to teach me lately. i’d like to kick life right in the throat for that particular lesson.

firmly believe that writing a letter you never intend to actually mail out is really very freeing. you’ve said all the things you wanted or needed to get off your chest, without the risk of your words being taken the wrong way or used against you later. drama free stress relief, for the flipping win.

cannot for the life of me understand why people seemingly go out of their own way to make their whole life more difficult. (i have no examples, just take my word for it.)

really need to retrain myself to sleep during normal sleeping hours so that i can be a better mother to my children.

despise being on the receiving end of someone’s fair-weather friendship nonsense. seriously…if you can’t lean on me when you’re having a hard time, don’t rub it in my face when your life is peaches. and on the flip side…if you can’t celebrate with me when you’re happy, don’t cry to me when you’re hitting rock bottom.

think the world would be a much better place if we would all bother to remember that as individuals we are all bound to be different. that’s not cause to argue or insult or harass. it means we need to learn, practice, and teach tolerance. we all clearly have to share this world…there’s no reason we shouldn’t make it as pleasant as we possibly can.

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some fluff, and then…meet my soapbox

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, kids, random by Cait — 3 Comments
July 25, 2011

We all have those special people in our lives that when they’re upset with us, it’s physically painful. I for one would sell my very soul to right the wrong and get back into the good graces of the select few people who have that tight of a hold on my heart. (For the record? My kids are usually not factored into that group. Not because they aren’t hugely important to me, but because by some otherworldly blessing they rarely get that kind of mad at me. And when they do it’s either hilarious or well-deserved and I’m proud of the fact that I got through to them and they learned whatever I was trying to impress upon them. Don’t judge me. I’m well aware of my status as a bad mom.)

Going outside to get my mail in totally summer heat appropriate clothes (jeans and a tank top) and having my neighbors look at me like some kind of trashy, street-walking hooker frustrates me. Especially when the people across the breezeway from me have all their windows and doors open while they’re having the kind of screaming-in-foreign-languages-while-obviously-throwing-objects-at-each-other fight that SHOULD warrant a call to the county police but won’t because of the ethnic diversity of the neighborhood. Funny thing, being in the minority. Makes me like a social pariah, and something to gawk at – even when things of far more “interest” are going on. And heaven forbid I go out with my kids, it’s like the pinnacle of attention-drawing goodness: young, white, mother of 2…alone! Oh holy hell!

Lately I’ve been really frustrated with the fact that I can’t contribute to my family in a “bigger” way than running our home and raising our children day in and day out. I know that my “job” is arguably one of the most difficult and important that I could be doing. It’s just hard to feel like I’m really doing things that matter when there’s no financial “reward” tied to it all. It feels like I’m “working” just to earn my keep and the things that I utilize and take full advantage of every single day. Never has The Husband held it against me that he works hard to earn every penny to support our family by himself. And it’s not like I’m going out of my way, trying to live an extravagant and costly lifestyle. But all the same…I desperately want to be a financial benefit to my family, instead of just living on The Husband’s efforts.

Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I need to take a few moments to get this thing off my chest. I’m a young mother. No secret about that. Anybody who knows me (or cares to ask) knows that I made some less that intelligent life choices in high school and was pregnant with my son when I walked at graduation. I was 19 when he was born (then 20 when my daughter was born), and forever changed my life. My childhood was over that day, and I walked away from nearly every opportunity I ever had to go party and just hang out being a “normal” young adult. Because that was how I was raised to believe it’s supposed to be: you have a child and they become your top priority. When they’re old enough to live their own lives without your help every step of the way, that’s when you get to think about living for yourself again. But lately, the growing trend – at least where I grew up and live now – seems to be these little girls (because they’re still children, really) keep having all these babies and talking a good game about wanting to be perceived as such good moms. And that’s awesome. I think everyone should have goals. But these same little girls that want to be seen as awesome mothers? They’re going out and living their lives for themselves – partying and clubbing and drinking with their friends (who don’t have kids) while their parents and families raise their babies for them. Now, I can understand the occasional night out to relax and let loose because you are still a young adult and wholly entitled to the chance to live that life. (Believe me…I have my own 2 children, and I’m raising them largely alone while The Husband is across the world. I know what it’s like to want the chance to relax and not have to think about feeding 2 other mouths or wiping 2 other butts!) But if your child spends more home time with your parents than with you, and you aren’t in school or working to provide for your child? Then as far as I’m concerned you do NOT number among the ranks of the good mothers. You give a bad name to the rest of us doing everything we possibly can to give our children the lives they deserve. These babies that we’ve consciously decided to bring into this world, and knowingly accepted the responsibility of caring for. They don’t deserve to be blamed for “ruining” their mother’s life – they may have changed everything forever, but they’ve ruined nothing. Not to mention that they didn’t choose to be born – we chose to bring them into this world. I cannot emphasize that enough. These very same girls out there partying and acting like children are complaining about the inconveniences of the very children that THEY CHOSE to carry to term and bring home with them! If you weren’t willing to give up your lifestyle to care for the child you created, there were other options available to you…other people who would give their right arm for the chance to be doing the very things you find so inconvenient.

I’m sorry – that’s one of those topics that really gets under my skin. So I’ll step off my soapbox before I say anything else I might regret later on.

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I Just Don’t Give A…

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
July 17, 2011

It smells like about a thousand Black & Milds outside the front of my building.

Mash-ups on the radio kinda make me want to go out and punch something.

Never in my life have I been the type of person to consciously think, “I want to go out and get fall-down-drunk with the intention of getting into a fist fight.” But tonight that seems like the perfect distraction from my hellish corner of life.

Last night I finished my pack of cigarettes and decided I’m not going to buy any more. Having not left the parking lot all day today, I’ve managed that quite well.

All day long, it’s felt like I’m just floating alone on my own little island of life. Nothing I’ve seen or heard has made me feel anything but echoing emptiness.

Which is absolutely terrible because my gorgeous babies ran and played and laughed all day long, and that should be the easiest source of joy imaginable.

My knee-jerk reaction is to blame my funk on having quit smoking. But having quit more than five other times in my life, I know that’s not the problem. I’m just out of sorts right now, and I need to take the time to figure out what’s wrong and fix it.

The concept of friendship has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Probably because an old “friend” of mine reached out to me out of the blue, and needed a considerable bit of help. Needless to say, her little family occupied my living room for 2 days and nights before I quite simply lost my mind and patience and asked The Husband to tell them whatever it took to get them to take their things and leave. It took them roughly 6 hours to move out, as compared to the 45 minutes to haul their lives and possessions into my home and seemingly take over.

Seems I only hear from the majority of people I used to call friend when they need my help with whatever their current personal or financial crisis happens to be…and only after they’ve “exhausted every other option imaginable.” I feel so valued.

Everyone has their personal demons and things they struggle with. Goodness knows I’m no exception to that concept. In fact tonight is one of those nights where I really need one of the few people worthy of the title “friend” to come hold my hand and keep me anchored to reality so I don’t a) float away into the dark space that is my mind, or b) take a flying leap off the cliff that seems to be the current edge of my shattered sanity. It’s a damned scary place tonight, my mind.

From what I can tell, there’s some kind of cultural ceremony/celebration going on somewhere nearby, involving multiple families from my apartment complex. Specifically from my building, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatever the deal is, they’re all partying it up late into the night. Just congregating out in the parking lot, completely ignoring the whole county noise ordinance thing that starts at 10pm. Last night they woke my kids three times between 8 and midnight. By some chance luck, tonight it seems they’re packing the party on the road, so all is quiet. At least for the time being.

Until about 2330, I was ready to jump off my balcony and rage, just to remind myself what it feels like to truly be alive.

Amazing how being constantly let down by people you thought you could count on forever can so quickly dissolve any sense of humanity you ever felt.

It’s also rather shocking how freeing it is to just tell yourself you really don’t give a flying fart. Key is to really believe it, though. Without that, you’ll just keep falling down the rabbit hole.

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Since when

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random, stupid lists by Cait — Leave a comment
June 29, 2011

did this become my life? I’m supposed to be the cool, fun, got-it-all-together young mom.

does my poor baby man seem to come down with croup once a month? Should we be looking at possible asthma testing? (unrelated, in my head “asthma” sounds like “azzmarr” because I haven’t a clue why, it just does.)

have I disappeared into all my clothes fitting me funny? Yes, this is a valid concern/complaint – I can’t afford a new wardrobe and I prefer not to look like I’m wearing loaner clothes.

can people disregard county-wide ordinances and raise holy chaos right over my head and I shrug it off with a simple “I’m awake anyway, so why should it bother me?”

should we have to jump through hoops in order to coordinate with people to give them money to pay off their debt and transfer ownership of property they don’t even want anymore?

Maybe I’m exceedingly bitter tonight, what with my total inability to sleep while the other 3 people in my home are snoring away – no, I’m not the least bit wired, why do you ask. But really? When did the world get like this? When did my kids act out so horribly to deserve karmic retribution in the form of breathing difficulties and potential ear infections at least once every other month?

I’d just like to make it to my birthday without any more unscheduled catastrophes. Can we manage that, universe? Try anyway!

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Hypocrites & Head Shrinking

Filed Under: about me, cranky days, deployment, flow of consciousness, frustrated, random by Cait — Leave a comment
June 13, 2011

It’s funny how people completely contradict themselves when they’re trying to tell you how wrong you are, don’t you think? One minute I’m a complete psycho, and the next they’re wholly supportive of whatever I need to do.

But on the flip side of that – I guess I really am wrong. I look at it like this…I’ve always thought that while people can be absolute pricks to each other, we all have enough good in us to overpower that. Reality check – people will cheap-shot each other all the day long. And then kick that poor fool when they’re down.

I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m doing anymore. Every day I wake up and it takes me a while to fully comprehend the reality of my life. The full weight of everything staring me in the face feels like enough to tip the scales against an elephant.

Don’t lecture me about how there are so many people who have it so very much worse than I do. I’m well aware. I live an easy life by most standards – I know that, too.

The realization hit me earlier today that I simply need to get my head shrunk, so I can start what will probably be a long and drawn-out process of exorcising all my personal demons. So’s I can quit ruining everything for everyone else. This weekend’s seemingly unending shenanigans have made that abundantly clear to me.

So…have to start the process of evaluating my mental health. For the first time in my life, not directly linked to a new baby. I am absolutely terrified by the concept.

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